Slap List 2011

(Disclaimer: If I actually met any of these people I wouldn't slap them unless it was in the verbal way. I'm not a violent person. Promise.)

Having seen this on the Guardian no less I have decided that it is ok to post this without getting sued although the title may still raise eyebrows.

The above title is my own pecuilar way of describing the list below of the people who have annoyed me most in the past year. It comes from being a peculiar girl from a peculiar family with a peculiar mother who introduced her to the concept of a 'slap list' at a very young age. Upon seeing someone who annoys her own television she would remark 'they're on my slap list'. It describes someone who is completely, irrationally irritating. Therefore I have composed my own, both political and cultural, list of people who got on my wick for various reasons in 2011. They are as follows:

1) David Cameron/Nick Clegg: Perennial favourites but it is becoming increasingly impossible to distinguish where Cameron's arse ends and Clegg's head begins.

2) Barack Obama: I liked you when you were elected. I was all 'yes we can'. Stop screwing that up. The Guantanamo Bay thing was not cool. Bad Obama. Lad points must go for this and the whole Rick rolling Twitter thing though.

3) Royalists: Give it up. No-one cares about Wills and Kate. And the British public is not mostly royalist, they just liked the extra day off work. Apathy is not a mandate to rule.

4)The Tea Party- Go Away, Please?

5)Nadine Dorries- You know why.

6)Louise Mensch- See above.

7)Theresa May- And so completes the Tory party answer to Macbeth: 'We shall we three meet again/in thunder lighting or in rain/ when the hurly burly's done, when the battles' lost and won'. And I'm not making it up...

8)Greece- Can you stop imploding please? You're giving the europhobics ammunition to scare people.

9)Tulisa from X Factor- Does she just bug anyone else? Anyone?

10) The Go Compare Man- Why is this still on television?

11) Peaches Geldof- Why is she still on television?

12) The Entire Cast of Made In Chelsea- The Only Way is Essex cast are just as vapid but at least they know and are a little nicer about it...And the boys have stupid hair.

13) News of the World- Not cool. Just not cool.

14) David Starkey- Really? I used to like the way you made Tudor history into an episode of Gossip Girl.

15) George Osbourne- A valuable asset to Cameron's government to be sure as they can save money by paying him exclusively in gold stars and extra crayons.

16) Network Rail- 'We are sorry to announce that every train you ever try to get on is delayed indefinitely/cancelled. We are not really sorry for the delay to your train but we'll say so anyway so we can over charge you'. I wonder how long they'd last if they could only rise prices by the percent at which customer satisfaction had gone up...

17) Orange- I know how networks work and know exactly how to fix my internet problem but I need Orange to reset the system to do so. They think I don't know how to connect and if I move two feet from the router the connection should end (the fact that I could get a stronger signal from houses two streets away was met with awkward silence).

18) People who stop and stand in the doorways, the bottom of stairwells and in the middle of the pavement- Surely evolution must have dealt with people like this by now?

19) The British Public- 'Oh wah wah wah the evil public sector bankrupted the economy and are taking all our money while go to hospital, expect our children to have a good education and want our wheelies bins collected in a timely fashion'. I have only this to say...

Writer's Block

I hate it.

I really hate it.

I don't even know what to say here. I have a few ideas for articles but when I tryto write...nothing.

I have a mountain of work to do for uni as well but all I want is a nap.

I'm not even reading the news at the moment.

Choice and all its Consequences

So I'm a fairly indecisive person.

I don't like decisions because being a naturally insecure person I always think I'll make the wrong one. Particularly as I've made some clangers in my life, especially in the last year.

Therefore the end of university is a particularly daunting. I never took a gap year and I was always so desperate to leave home from about thirteen onwards it was never a question about whether or not I wanted to go to university. I have very little entrepreneurial sense and despite dabbling in a Drama GCSE I never had an inclination to follow the cliched 'getting the bus to Big City to fulfill my dreams' path. Especially when its not really my dream to have strangers staring me on a stage or screen every night. I'm one of those weird people who don't like being in the spotlight; they'd rather give those who are the words to say.

I also thought university would be a good way to avoid the 'what do I want to do with my life' question.

However, now that my stay of execution is almost over and I'm being forced to face the question I've been avoiding the past twenty one years.

And to add insult to injury now I have more choices than I did three years ago. Although admittedly most of them involve money I don't have.

Even with this recession which probably likely to doom us all for all eternity if the Guardian is to be believed I could go into any industry that accommodates slightly temperamental creative types.

That is if the recession ever ends mind.

With all these options therefore it makes more difficult to make a decision and has been almost giving me nightmares these past few months. However, now that I've reached the grand old age of 21 I'm feeling a lot more zen about it.

I'm old now, there is no avoiding it. As my darling sister pointed out I'm halfway to 42 and a third of the way to 63. Now that the flower of my youth is wilting I'm less worried about the future. I've lost a bit of the mad rush to make a decision. The beauty of having choice is that you can wait and see what you feel like.

Going back to Harrogate doesn't seem so terrible anymore. Of course its still a town that believes that the introduction of a Tesco will bring doom to us all but its a pleasant and safe enough place to mull things.

Hope I won't have to do so much work experience as well.

Responsibility

As usual I'm having a crisis about what I want to do with my life and in this particular instance I'm worried that employers won't like me.

I need to start being realistic, I'm not going to be a journalist so my best bet is a marketing job somewhere. But as employers are obsessed with responsibility how exactly do I prove that I am responsible? I've held down a job, an internship and gone volunteering in Africa in a number of roles you could define as responsible but how do you prove it?

I sometimes feel like my CV is pretty wishy washy. Apart from my internship, everything seems to geared towards a career that will never happen and I have no proper experience running a society or anything so what exactly do I have to offer?

Looks like I'm doing a Masters then.

You Know You're A Ridiculous Person When....

...you start empathising with characters in the ridiculous tv shows you watch.

I realised that this summer when I realised I empathised with Blair Waldorf.

Blair Waldorf from Gossip Girl.

The same Blair Waldorf that runs around concocting absurd schemes to 'takedown' people if they attempt to ruin the life of her best friend Serena or herself, who gets a chauffer driven town car around Manhattan and allegedly attends Columbia University (one of the most pretigious universities in the world) but only ever seems to go shopping and look down on poor people.


Don't get me wrong, she's one of the best TV characters ever created but I would never normally identify her. Especially in the situation she'd got herself in. Her dilemma was the three different men who were in love with her. Her true love the billionaire (who she will ultimately go back to in the end because they always do and you know, its Chuck and Blair- if you watched GG you'd understand) wants her back but she instead longs for the stability the french prince/her fiancee(yes really) will provide but (as much she does love him) it is not the same love as she felt for the billionaire. And then there is this penniless writer (who was also the above mentioned best friend's first love and current step-brother, as well as been the adopted step-brother of the billionaire) who is in love with her also and she is completely obvious and doesn't return his feelings.

Still with me?

However, I do understand her dilemma about choosing between what you want and what you should want. Luckily for her its all being handed to her, I unfortunately don't have that option. But I think it is good that the producers made her choose the nice, safe prince (for now at least). Its more realistic (if you take out the prince part) because what you want isn't always the best option. Its destructive and more often than not it'll not work out and go up in smoke. He make take two years to tell you he loves you, he may destroy your preexisting relationship with your first boyfriend who happens to be his best friend (and this boyfriend also lost his virginity to your best friend at a wedding and later started dating her three years later after she ends her affair with his married cousin- I love this show) or maybe he'll trade you to his dastardly uncle for control of his hotel.

Or maybe these things only really happen in Gossip Girl.

Anyway the point is, choosing the safe option isn't always a bad thing. I remember back in the summer when Wendi Deng turned into a ninja in parliament in order to defend Rupert Murdoch from his not-quite pie in the face. I read a piece in the Independent Viewspaper about settling. It was very sarcastic but the essential point was: if Wendi Deng is settling who are we to judge her? I doubt she married Murdoch for his looks but he gives her stability and maybe she never wanted love. She's a bit too scary for love I think.

The point of this very, very long ramble is; what we think we know we don't. I'm not a cynic, I do believe in love I just don't understand it and I am starting to think all the energy, poems and love letters that go into it really can't be worth it. It always ends, whether its on his deathbed after 60 years, when he runs off with his secretary after 20 years or when he gets bored after 2 months. If it happens, it happens but maybe in certain cases your better off with comfort and stability.

Even if your prince is kinda a wuss.

Finally, what provoked this late night ramble? Downton Abbey o'course! I'm identifying with one of them at the moment (won't say which one- not the angry footman or the wet ladysmaid though) but its mainly because the preview next week featured a line by the excellent Maggie Smith (there should be a spin off where they exclusively follow her around all day) where she says 'I'm a women, I'll be as contrary as I like!'

I can't help but agree.

COPYWRITERS

I get paid to write stuff now, it’s almost like I'm a real journalist.

In other words, I've become one of the elite band of copywriters. It pays reasonably well given it’s around £15 per article and I can write one in around half an hour depending on the length and how much I concentrate.

It’s weird, I always saw copywriting as something 'grown up' journalists did to supplement their incomes while I had to stick to writing for free. It’s nice in a way, to be paid for something that may actually benefit me in the future. I always thought that the only way I'd be able to alleviate my poverty would be in a shop being verbally abused by stupid customers who don't understand how basic economics, business or common decency works.

Although I'd say it would be hard to make a living out of it, the jobs come in a bit sporadically and you have to be basically sitting refreshing your email to get them. However, with a bit of luck and perseverance you should be able to make a small income for yourself.

Maybe if I devoted myself to being a serious freelance journalist full time I could fashion a living out of it. There are so many good websites to write for out there and they make it is to work from home.

It probably won’t get me out of debt or be a significant contribution to the ‘save-for-the-future’ fund I started when I got my first job at sixteen that has been gradually depleting over the past few years.

However, it will probably allow me to buy more shoes and is there really any great reward than that?

Home Alone

I've got a confession to make: I've never seen Home Alone.

Shocking isn't it? That a child of the nineties, one who spent most of them in USA no less, could not have seen such a proverbial classic which remains one of the highest grossing films of all time.

However now the cold germs have really started to affect my brain I definitely think I'm hallucinating. I noticed food on the counters that I swear I did not put there. Curtains have been opened that I swear I did not open.

Now it could be the friendly poltergeist Bob, that I created back when we moved to the house in 1999 to scare my little sister (I was always such a nice, caring big sister)messing with my head or perhaps it is some comically inept burglars?

I am fairly out of it at the moment having no one to take care of me in my illness and have run out of painkillers (the shop is a forty minute round trip- I hate living in the suburbs) so my head is currently throbbing.

I have actually taken the day off writing (apart from this) as I doubt that much of what I am writing is coherent.

I don't like being alone when ill. I have never been the type to say 'Oh look at me, woe is me' when I'm ill but it would be nice if there was someone to cook me dinner (which I can't even do when I am healthy) and do my washing while I curl up in bed and will the headache to go away.

Blah

I feel blah.

My parents are away on holiday and I'm alone in my house and am currently struggling to spend more than half the day out of bed.

I don't feel ill as such, although I do have a sore throat, I just feel blah.

I'm tired, every part of my body aches, when I'm not asleep, I'm reading in bed or watching TV curled up in my duvet watching television.

I'm doing no work either, even though I am ridiculously bored. I have a list of articles to write and investigate as well as having to read the entire collected works of Virginia Woolf in the next three and a half weeks but I've managed to only write 250 word blog post about a bookshop closure that I'd read about on the Guardian.

I suppose I need a holiday after doing some much work experience this summer (7 weeks and counting, I've got another one on the way next week) but its miserable outside. It's raining and it doesn't change how bored I am.

I don't really like stopping, I've always liked being busy. I get bored too easily.

But maybe if I'm getting down, ill and blah when I do stop maybe I should down......

Nah, I'll sleep when I'm dead.

Kiss Me? No: Germany Bans Kissing

Germany has been questioning it's workplace decorum this week after The Knigge Society (why does everything official and German have to sound so comic?) called for a ban on kisses on the cheek in places of work as it can make greeting colleagues and business partners uncomfortable for many.

The society's Chairman, Hans-Michael Klein said he received many worried emails from workers who were uncomfortable with the practice and liken it to form a form of 'terroism'.

He said the practice was something that came in from France, where two kisses are common and Italy, where in some parts three is the norm and it "is not typical German behaviour".

Although I do have to say that the terrorism allegory is a tad extreme I do find my self agreeing with any legislation that may prevent people I don't know touching me even if its an over step into personal liberties.

It's not just kissing, I don't like it when people hug me when they don't know me, when they pat my arm, even when they sit next to me on the train. I don't like an aura of physically proximity to other people.

This may surprise some people as I'm normally quite a tactile person once you get to know me. I will always hug and kiss people I actually like and it means absolutely nothing in particular other than general affection.

But because I associate physical contact with friendliness and affection I don't want strangers anywhere near me.

They are not my friends, they do not know me, I don't know where they've been. So they can't spread their germs all over me.

I'm quite in favour of a 'social distance zone'.

Buses

I hate buses.

I really do. I've been doing work experience for the past two weeks and have had to get the bus for the first time really since I left Harrogate.

I've been nearly hit by them in Birmingham more times than I can count though admittedly this is partly my fault (and the fact that the temporary traffic lights on Bristol Road never seem to work) and have got lost in Edinburgh more than once over the past week or so simply because I don't know which bus stop to getting off at.

My woeful lacking in the navigation department has been well documented and I have always relied on trains (or the Tube when I'm in London) because of it. Despite the fact they're never there on time at least its simply, you get off when you see the sign for the station, there aren't five hundred stops with the identifying markers around them being a non descript electronics shop.

I just can't do it. Some people look at maps and see a logic grid depicting the world around them; a see a confusing haze of wavy lines varying in size and meaning absolutely nothing. I can picture streets in my head but I mark them with certain shops and they stand out isolated in my mind; I can't connect the dots.

And its because of this I hate buses, I find travel stressful at the best of times but trying to find the correct point to jump off a moving vehicle makes it all the worse.

I've mastered the 73 from outside Angel tube station in Islington and the 36 to Leeds from outside my doctor's in Harrogate, anything other than makes me feel stressed and slightly ill.

My fear of buses may also come from the fact that I nearly lost my teddy bear on a London bus when I was about two or three. It was pretty scaring.

Revision

I hate the library.

I hate the people who just have to be crammed in next to me and just have to brush past me every time they have to get up (which seems to be every five minutes)and their friends that insist on leaning over me to talk to them for ages.

But most of all I hate revision. No matter how hard you try its never done, you never feel like you know enough, you feel like want you're learning will probably irrelavent.

What is worse though is that if you actually want to get any work done away from the distractions of Facebook and Glee you have to go to the library and you have to get there early. Ridiculously early.

I was not built for trekking to the library with the birds. I just spent 4 and a half hours there and I've had to come home to eat and rest because I was actually starting to feel physically nauseaous and could no longer see straight.

I call this library fever.

And now I'm going back for another couple hours of revision.

Its times like these when I kind of of wish I smoked because I would have a legitimate excuse to escape from the shackles of my chair legs every once in and while. I feel stupid just aimblessly wandering around the library and I can't keep going to Spar.

I can't wait till next Tuesday afternoon is over and I can have my life back.

Oh but wait, I still have an internship to do and I'm supposed to start working on my dissertation because I won't have much time this summer because of work experience.

No rest for the wicked.

Question Time

I really shouldn't watch Question Time anymore. It only makes me angry.

Watching it this week just enraged me, hearing the talk about Osama Bin Laden and watching how the usual reactionary drivel bandied about is met with the approval of the clapping seals in the audience.

One of the commentators and several of the audience members seemed to think that it was ok to contravene international law because Bin Laden is evil and they seemed to have the mistaken assumption that the West automatically takes up camp on the moral high ground.

There were voices of reason in the audience and on the panel but I just felt so frustrated that they could say all this stuff and I was stuck behind the computer screen unable to contribute my own opinion to the debate and could only vent on Facebook.

I have never been able to keep my mouth shut.

Maybe this is why I want to be a journalist because I feel so frustrated when people don't listen to me or I can't get my voice heard.

This could also be a sign that I am completely insane but whatever.

Aspirations

I had a bit of a Sex and the City marathon the other night accompanied with ice cream and various female musical icons such as Madonna, Aretha and Gaga (they really need no last name).

So I had a rather girly evening.

However it got me thinking about the lives they lead and how ridiculously overprivelged they really are. For instance, there is no way that Carrie could afford an apartment like that and a designer shoe collection on a journalistic salary.

And yet we are supposed to buy into the lifestyle where all of them have successful careers but only ever seem to sit around a table talking about sex rather than actually doing any work. Carrie always seems to only write one sentence of every article then turns off her laptop (without saving), staring off into the middle distance and still is somehow rehired by her newspaper. And are we seriously supposed to believe that Samantha hasn't had some form of STI?

It does look nice to live in New York City with no financial concerns whatsoever whilst you do a job you actually like but the whole thing seems rather like hollow consumer porn.

I've never been a major Sex and the City fan because it always seemed like there was nothing really beneath the surface. It was almost a tad boring watching rich people run around New York City, I wasn't incensed by the rejection of the little man; I was just ambivalent.


The endless product placement starts to drag. I know its a key part of the Sex and the City brand but I do think people get sick of the vapid conspicious consumption. Take the lastest Sex and the City movie, Abu Dhabi seems nice and glamourous (the hotel looked lovely) but if you stop and think, what makes it better than anywhere else? Its sunny, but so is southern Spain and thats only a short Ryanair flight away. The hotel room is so luxurious; as long as its clean and there is working plumbing does it really matter?

I just don't understand why projecting the materiaslistic dream onto our television sets is supposed to entertain us; the real thing certainly doesn't make us happy. Even seeing rich people miserable doesn't seem that interesting.

I think that SATC became a sensation because women enjoying sex was controversial. Had it been debuted today it probably would have sank without a trace.

Massive Wuss

I'm ill.

Like my whole head suddenly seizing up in pain everytime I move my neck or inhale ill, throbbing pulsating headache that occasionally cloudes my vision a little bit ill, like producing far too much mucus than is ladylike to describe ill.

Bet you love that last image.

Now that the fever and headache has abatted a little (the combination of pain killers and the antibodies in my immune system finally getting off their arses and doing something after a week of this) I can use a computer and find that I have ridiculous amounts of work to do.

No wonder my body is so rundown.

Of course, this is only a cold, if it was the flu I wouldn't be able to get out of bed but the problem with a cold is no matter how rotten you feel you still can't justify staying in bed all day even though you should probably.

Its that weird state between manflu and actual flu when you're too ill to function probably but still have to anyway.

I really think I need a holiday, on a beach with a bar serving cheap cocktails adjacent preferably.

Can anyone sort this out for me for all the money in my bank balance which is now ooooooh -£200 or so.

Ok, good, thanks.

'Life is Savage or it is not Life at all'

How pretentious. Using a quote as a title and a quote from a period drama at that.

Yet, I suppose it describes the epiphany on the way home from Tesco I had last night.

Of course I had said revelation whilst doing something so mundane but isn't that always the way? Life is not like the movies where something so cataclysmic or profound sends the hero/heroine in a dramatic/romantic tailspin that makes them rush off to the airport/train station/their boss' office (normally to some sort of swirling score urging them on) to announce exactly how they are going to change their lives.

In the real world, you make discoveries about what you want, who you are and what you need when your mind wanders doing the mundane tasks like standing in a queue for a couple hundred years or dragging your shopping home. And the discovery is normally small; we are not like Dorothy in Oz, things don't pop into Technicolor, they slowly turn to colour.

So what did I realise? Did I work out what I want to do with my life? Did I work out my screwed up personal life and decide to stop wasting my time on people do nothing but harm to it? Or did I at least work out my finances?

Nope, I decided to simply embrace being a drama queen.

From this blog you may have noticed my tendency to be slightly 'highly strung' and 'strong willed' (those are the nicest ways of putting it). I've spent the past 4 months or so lamenting this essential part of my character and the ridiculous situations I get myself into because of it.

However, in the past three weeks, as I've been trying to sort my life out I've never been more bored. Now some may say I seek attention (and to a certain extent they may be right) but I've realised I don't want my life to become sensible, sober and along the straight and narrow.

The drama in my life sucks; it makes me what to tear my hair out, scream, cry, laugh, all at the same time but I wouldn't change it for the world.

It keeps life interesting and at the end I can say life was a bitch but at least I lived it properly.

I don't know what I want and I don't know how my life is going to pan out. Its terrifying, for about a year now I've wanted a plan and or a direction because project less ambition is so confusing and frustrating. But if I knew I’d just get bored with the linear path laid out in front of me. By not knowing, my life stops being routine and repetitive for as long as possible. With my highly strung way of viewing the world, I never really know what’s going to happen next and this is good as well as bad.

I suppose I’m learning to take all the crap because occasionally it comes with a bit of good.

It's like in Pocahontas (I know standard blog procedure is to quote some profound, wise and dead scholar/poet but its my personal blog and I’ll reference Disney movies if I like) when she is singing and rowing along the river about having to get married and she comes to the fork. She goes down the narrower, more dangerous river bed because its more exciting and she doesn’t know where it goes.

Life is dramatic, hard and full of ridiculous situations but hopefully it should be entertaining as well.

You heard it here first folks; 'Mad' Caroline is back and better than ever. Expect more OTT hijinks and hysteria to follow.

More Excuses to Follow...

I got an internship today.

It took me rather by surprise that I was choosen over all the other applicants but that's paralysing self doubt for you.

Its for a big UK charity that I won't name with their events and marketing department and starts in a week or two for the next three months.

In the meantime I have five essays, four articles, an exam and several work experiences applications to write.

So no pressure.

I wonder if this is what being a grown up is like? The responsiblities, the stress, the making of positive descisions about my future.

To be perfectly honest I'd rather get back under the covers and pretend that I'm still the five year old who wanted to Belle from Beauty and the Beast when she grew up.

I'm just not sure about this internship. I want to do it and it'll be good experience but I'm scared that if I do it I'll be pushing myself down one particular path with no particular hope of looking back or changing my mind. I want to be sure that its what I want to do with my life. I don't really want to just get a 9-5 job when I graduate and that to be it. Up the career ladder we go!

That's why I'm still debating journalism. Practically its a stupid idea as I have no contacts and/or money but it also may be the best fit for me. I love to write, I love to rant and I'm fascinated by the world around me even though I'm constantly despairing of it.

I don't want to go down a linear road to conventional, middle class bliss, I want the unconventional, stupid and reckless excitement that most people only see in the movies.

I always have been a dreamer.

Anyway, I don't know how often I can't update in the next few weeks as my life is about to get ten times more stressful than it already is.

Hopefully I'll see you on the other side of June with all my hair still in place.

AWOL

So I haven't updated this in a while.

Short story is that I was busy, the long story is a bit more complicated and not something I want to go into on the internet.

This blog has always been personal, so it follows my mood swings and sometimes I'm just not in the mood to write.

Shit happens shall we say. I've been ridiculously busy with university work and when I haven't I have been trying to work out what I want to do with my life and it hasn't been easy. I'm considering starting up another blog based on something I'm passionate about but I haven't worked out what that'll be yet. Perhaps something political, historical or literary but the exact specifications are unclear as of yet.

Until then, I will give you the link to the blog recording my little social experiment at the moment:

http://carolinejm.livejournal.com/

I gave up alcohol for Lent.

Yes really.

Its 'sort my life out' time.

Well, here comes another existential crisis....

This is getting rather repetitive.

I wonder whether its the fact that I've entered a new decade of my life, or because its January or because I've almost reached the half way point of my time at university and can no longer claim the fresher haze for the fact that I'm completely at sea.

Its more than not knowing what I want in the future or even what I want right now...its the full blown, cliché ridden 'Who am I?' debate ranging inside my head. My emotions are all over the place and I can go from lovely and caring to evil and vindictive in sixty seconds for no particular reason. I can't decide if certain things in my life are worth bothering with or if I even care about them any more, I seem to lost the passion for everything in my life that I had previously loved.

I need to start on applications and making important decisions about my future, or at least get on with my seminar work, but I seem to rather sit around watching the Tudors on iplayer and sit lazily contemplating the meaning of the universe and everything in it. This may be acceptable if I were a 18th century dandy composing poetry underneath my favourite oak on my country estate but not so much for a student sitting in a rented house in Birmingham, shivering because her boiler breaks twice a day.