I hate the library.
I hate the people who just have to be crammed in next to me and just have to brush past me every time they have to get up (which seems to be every five minutes)and their friends that insist on leaning over me to talk to them for ages.
But most of all I hate revision. No matter how hard you try its never done, you never feel like you know enough, you feel like want you're learning will probably irrelavent.
What is worse though is that if you actually want to get any work done away from the distractions of Facebook and Glee you have to go to the library and you have to get there early. Ridiculously early.
I was not built for trekking to the library with the birds. I just spent 4 and a half hours there and I've had to come home to eat and rest because I was actually starting to feel physically nauseaous and could no longer see straight.
I call this library fever.
And now I'm going back for another couple hours of revision.
Its times like these when I kind of of wish I smoked because I would have a legitimate excuse to escape from the shackles of my chair legs every once in and while. I feel stupid just aimblessly wandering around the library and I can't keep going to Spar.
I can't wait till next Tuesday afternoon is over and I can have my life back.
Oh but wait, I still have an internship to do and I'm supposed to start working on my dissertation because I won't have much time this summer because of work experience.
No rest for the wicked.
Wednesday, 18 May 2011
Sunday, 8 May 2011
Question Time
I really shouldn't watch Question Time anymore. It only makes me angry.
Watching it this week just enraged me, hearing the talk about Osama Bin Laden and watching how the usual reactionary drivel bandied about is met with the approval of the clapping seals in the audience.
One of the commentators and several of the audience members seemed to think that it was ok to contravene international law because Bin Laden is evil and they seemed to have the mistaken assumption that the West automatically takes up camp on the moral high ground.
There were voices of reason in the audience and on the panel but I just felt so frustrated that they could say all this stuff and I was stuck behind the computer screen unable to contribute my own opinion to the debate and could only vent on Facebook.
I have never been able to keep my mouth shut.
Maybe this is why I want to be a journalist because I feel so frustrated when people don't listen to me or I can't get my voice heard.
This could also be a sign that I am completely insane but whatever.
Watching it this week just enraged me, hearing the talk about Osama Bin Laden and watching how the usual reactionary drivel bandied about is met with the approval of the clapping seals in the audience.
One of the commentators and several of the audience members seemed to think that it was ok to contravene international law because Bin Laden is evil and they seemed to have the mistaken assumption that the West automatically takes up camp on the moral high ground.
There were voices of reason in the audience and on the panel but I just felt so frustrated that they could say all this stuff and I was stuck behind the computer screen unable to contribute my own opinion to the debate and could only vent on Facebook.
I have never been able to keep my mouth shut.
Maybe this is why I want to be a journalist because I feel so frustrated when people don't listen to me or I can't get my voice heard.
This could also be a sign that I am completely insane but whatever.
Thursday, 21 April 2011
Aspirations
I had a bit of a Sex and the City marathon the other night accompanied with ice cream and various female musical icons such as Madonna, Aretha and Gaga (they really need no last name).
So I had a rather girly evening.
However it got me thinking about the lives they lead and how ridiculously overprivelged they really are. For instance, there is no way that Carrie could afford an apartment like that and a designer shoe collection on a journalistic salary.
And yet we are supposed to buy into the lifestyle where all of them have successful careers but only ever seem to sit around a table talking about sex rather than actually doing any work. Carrie always seems to only write one sentence of every article then turns off her laptop (without saving), staring off into the middle distance and still is somehow rehired by her newspaper. And are we seriously supposed to believe that Samantha hasn't had some form of STI?
It does look nice to live in New York City with no financial concerns whatsoever whilst you do a job you actually like but the whole thing seems rather like hollow consumer porn.
I've never been a major Sex and the City fan because it always seemed like there was nothing really beneath the surface. It was almost a tad boring watching rich people run around New York City, I wasn't incensed by the rejection of the little man; I was just ambivalent.
The endless product placement starts to drag. I know its a key part of the Sex and the City brand but I do think people get sick of the vapid conspicious consumption. Take the lastest Sex and the City movie, Abu Dhabi seems nice and glamourous (the hotel looked lovely) but if you stop and think, what makes it better than anywhere else? Its sunny, but so is southern Spain and thats only a short Ryanair flight away. The hotel room is so luxurious; as long as its clean and there is working plumbing does it really matter?
I just don't understand why projecting the materiaslistic dream onto our television sets is supposed to entertain us; the real thing certainly doesn't make us happy. Even seeing rich people miserable doesn't seem that interesting.
I think that SATC became a sensation because women enjoying sex was controversial. Had it been debuted today it probably would have sank without a trace.
So I had a rather girly evening.
However it got me thinking about the lives they lead and how ridiculously overprivelged they really are. For instance, there is no way that Carrie could afford an apartment like that and a designer shoe collection on a journalistic salary.
And yet we are supposed to buy into the lifestyle where all of them have successful careers but only ever seem to sit around a table talking about sex rather than actually doing any work. Carrie always seems to only write one sentence of every article then turns off her laptop (without saving), staring off into the middle distance and still is somehow rehired by her newspaper. And are we seriously supposed to believe that Samantha hasn't had some form of STI?
It does look nice to live in New York City with no financial concerns whatsoever whilst you do a job you actually like but the whole thing seems rather like hollow consumer porn.
I've never been a major Sex and the City fan because it always seemed like there was nothing really beneath the surface. It was almost a tad boring watching rich people run around New York City, I wasn't incensed by the rejection of the little man; I was just ambivalent.
The endless product placement starts to drag. I know its a key part of the Sex and the City brand but I do think people get sick of the vapid conspicious consumption. Take the lastest Sex and the City movie, Abu Dhabi seems nice and glamourous (the hotel looked lovely) but if you stop and think, what makes it better than anywhere else? Its sunny, but so is southern Spain and thats only a short Ryanair flight away. The hotel room is so luxurious; as long as its clean and there is working plumbing does it really matter?
I just don't understand why projecting the materiaslistic dream onto our television sets is supposed to entertain us; the real thing certainly doesn't make us happy. Even seeing rich people miserable doesn't seem that interesting.
I think that SATC became a sensation because women enjoying sex was controversial. Had it been debuted today it probably would have sank without a trace.
Monday, 11 April 2011
Massive Wuss
I'm ill.
Like my whole head suddenly seizing up in pain everytime I move my neck or inhale ill, throbbing pulsating headache that occasionally cloudes my vision a little bit ill, like producing far too much mucus than is ladylike to describe ill.
Bet you love that last image.
Now that the fever and headache has abatted a little (the combination of pain killers and the antibodies in my immune system finally getting off their arses and doing something after a week of this) I can use a computer and find that I have ridiculous amounts of work to do.
No wonder my body is so rundown.
Of course, this is only a cold, if it was the flu I wouldn't be able to get out of bed but the problem with a cold is no matter how rotten you feel you still can't justify staying in bed all day even though you should probably.
Its that weird state between manflu and actual flu when you're too ill to function probably but still have to anyway.
I really think I need a holiday, on a beach with a bar serving cheap cocktails adjacent preferably.
Can anyone sort this out for me for all the money in my bank balance which is now ooooooh -£200 or so.
Ok, good, thanks.
Like my whole head suddenly seizing up in pain everytime I move my neck or inhale ill, throbbing pulsating headache that occasionally cloudes my vision a little bit ill, like producing far too much mucus than is ladylike to describe ill.
Bet you love that last image.
Now that the fever and headache has abatted a little (the combination of pain killers and the antibodies in my immune system finally getting off their arses and doing something after a week of this) I can use a computer and find that I have ridiculous amounts of work to do.
No wonder my body is so rundown.
Of course, this is only a cold, if it was the flu I wouldn't be able to get out of bed but the problem with a cold is no matter how rotten you feel you still can't justify staying in bed all day even though you should probably.
Its that weird state between manflu and actual flu when you're too ill to function probably but still have to anyway.
I really think I need a holiday, on a beach with a bar serving cheap cocktails adjacent preferably.
Can anyone sort this out for me for all the money in my bank balance which is now ooooooh -£200 or so.
Ok, good, thanks.
Tuesday, 5 April 2011
'Life is Savage or it is not Life at all'
How pretentious. Using a quote as a title and a quote from a period drama at that.
Yet, I suppose it describes the epiphany on the way home from Tesco I had last night.
Of course I had said revelation whilst doing something so mundane but isn't that always the way? Life is not like the movies where something so cataclysmic or profound sends the hero/heroine in a dramatic/romantic tailspin that makes them rush off to the airport/train station/their boss' office (normally to some sort of swirling score urging them on) to announce exactly how they are going to change their lives.
In the real world, you make discoveries about what you want, who you are and what you need when your mind wanders doing the mundane tasks like standing in a queue for a couple hundred years or dragging your shopping home. And the discovery is normally small; we are not like Dorothy in Oz, things don't pop into Technicolor, they slowly turn to colour.
So what did I realise? Did I work out what I want to do with my life? Did I work out my screwed up personal life and decide to stop wasting my time on people do nothing but harm to it? Or did I at least work out my finances?
Nope, I decided to simply embrace being a drama queen.
From this blog you may have noticed my tendency to be slightly 'highly strung' and 'strong willed' (those are the nicest ways of putting it). I've spent the past 4 months or so lamenting this essential part of my character and the ridiculous situations I get myself into because of it.
However, in the past three weeks, as I've been trying to sort my life out I've never been more bored. Now some may say I seek attention (and to a certain extent they may be right) but I've realised I don't want my life to become sensible, sober and along the straight and narrow.
The drama in my life sucks; it makes me what to tear my hair out, scream, cry, laugh, all at the same time but I wouldn't change it for the world.
It keeps life interesting and at the end I can say life was a bitch but at least I lived it properly.
I don't know what I want and I don't know how my life is going to pan out. Its terrifying, for about a year now I've wanted a plan and or a direction because project less ambition is so confusing and frustrating. But if I knew I’d just get bored with the linear path laid out in front of me. By not knowing, my life stops being routine and repetitive for as long as possible. With my highly strung way of viewing the world, I never really know what’s going to happen next and this is good as well as bad.
I suppose I’m learning to take all the crap because occasionally it comes with a bit of good.
It's like in Pocahontas (I know standard blog procedure is to quote some profound, wise and dead scholar/poet but its my personal blog and I’ll reference Disney movies if I like) when she is singing and rowing along the river about having to get married and she comes to the fork. She goes down the narrower, more dangerous river bed because its more exciting and she doesn’t know where it goes.
Life is dramatic, hard and full of ridiculous situations but hopefully it should be entertaining as well.
You heard it here first folks; 'Mad' Caroline is back and better than ever. Expect more OTT hijinks and hysteria to follow.
Yet, I suppose it describes the epiphany on the way home from Tesco I had last night.
Of course I had said revelation whilst doing something so mundane but isn't that always the way? Life is not like the movies where something so cataclysmic or profound sends the hero/heroine in a dramatic/romantic tailspin that makes them rush off to the airport/train station/their boss' office (normally to some sort of swirling score urging them on) to announce exactly how they are going to change their lives.
In the real world, you make discoveries about what you want, who you are and what you need when your mind wanders doing the mundane tasks like standing in a queue for a couple hundred years or dragging your shopping home. And the discovery is normally small; we are not like Dorothy in Oz, things don't pop into Technicolor, they slowly turn to colour.
So what did I realise? Did I work out what I want to do with my life? Did I work out my screwed up personal life and decide to stop wasting my time on people do nothing but harm to it? Or did I at least work out my finances?
Nope, I decided to simply embrace being a drama queen.
From this blog you may have noticed my tendency to be slightly 'highly strung' and 'strong willed' (those are the nicest ways of putting it). I've spent the past 4 months or so lamenting this essential part of my character and the ridiculous situations I get myself into because of it.
However, in the past three weeks, as I've been trying to sort my life out I've never been more bored. Now some may say I seek attention (and to a certain extent they may be right) but I've realised I don't want my life to become sensible, sober and along the straight and narrow.
The drama in my life sucks; it makes me what to tear my hair out, scream, cry, laugh, all at the same time but I wouldn't change it for the world.
It keeps life interesting and at the end I can say life was a bitch but at least I lived it properly.
I don't know what I want and I don't know how my life is going to pan out. Its terrifying, for about a year now I've wanted a plan and or a direction because project less ambition is so confusing and frustrating. But if I knew I’d just get bored with the linear path laid out in front of me. By not knowing, my life stops being routine and repetitive for as long as possible. With my highly strung way of viewing the world, I never really know what’s going to happen next and this is good as well as bad.
I suppose I’m learning to take all the crap because occasionally it comes with a bit of good.
It's like in Pocahontas (I know standard blog procedure is to quote some profound, wise and dead scholar/poet but its my personal blog and I’ll reference Disney movies if I like) when she is singing and rowing along the river about having to get married and she comes to the fork. She goes down the narrower, more dangerous river bed because its more exciting and she doesn’t know where it goes.
Life is dramatic, hard and full of ridiculous situations but hopefully it should be entertaining as well.
You heard it here first folks; 'Mad' Caroline is back and better than ever. Expect more OTT hijinks and hysteria to follow.
Saturday, 26 March 2011
More Excuses to Follow...
I got an internship today.
It took me rather by surprise that I was choosen over all the other applicants but that's paralysing self doubt for you.
Its for a big UK charity that I won't name with their events and marketing department and starts in a week or two for the next three months.
In the meantime I have five essays, four articles, an exam and several work experiences applications to write.
So no pressure.
I wonder if this is what being a grown up is like? The responsiblities, the stress, the making of positive descisions about my future.
To be perfectly honest I'd rather get back under the covers and pretend that I'm still the five year old who wanted to Belle from Beauty and the Beast when she grew up.
I'm just not sure about this internship. I want to do it and it'll be good experience but I'm scared that if I do it I'll be pushing myself down one particular path with no particular hope of looking back or changing my mind. I want to be sure that its what I want to do with my life. I don't really want to just get a 9-5 job when I graduate and that to be it. Up the career ladder we go!
That's why I'm still debating journalism. Practically its a stupid idea as I have no contacts and/or money but it also may be the best fit for me. I love to write, I love to rant and I'm fascinated by the world around me even though I'm constantly despairing of it.
I don't want to go down a linear road to conventional, middle class bliss, I want the unconventional, stupid and reckless excitement that most people only see in the movies.
I always have been a dreamer.
Anyway, I don't know how often I can't update in the next few weeks as my life is about to get ten times more stressful than it already is.
Hopefully I'll see you on the other side of June with all my hair still in place.
It took me rather by surprise that I was choosen over all the other applicants but that's paralysing self doubt for you.
Its for a big UK charity that I won't name with their events and marketing department and starts in a week or two for the next three months.
In the meantime I have five essays, four articles, an exam and several work experiences applications to write.
So no pressure.
I wonder if this is what being a grown up is like? The responsiblities, the stress, the making of positive descisions about my future.
To be perfectly honest I'd rather get back under the covers and pretend that I'm still the five year old who wanted to Belle from Beauty and the Beast when she grew up.
I'm just not sure about this internship. I want to do it and it'll be good experience but I'm scared that if I do it I'll be pushing myself down one particular path with no particular hope of looking back or changing my mind. I want to be sure that its what I want to do with my life. I don't really want to just get a 9-5 job when I graduate and that to be it. Up the career ladder we go!
That's why I'm still debating journalism. Practically its a stupid idea as I have no contacts and/or money but it also may be the best fit for me. I love to write, I love to rant and I'm fascinated by the world around me even though I'm constantly despairing of it.
I don't want to go down a linear road to conventional, middle class bliss, I want the unconventional, stupid and reckless excitement that most people only see in the movies.
I always have been a dreamer.
Anyway, I don't know how often I can't update in the next few weeks as my life is about to get ten times more stressful than it already is.
Hopefully I'll see you on the other side of June with all my hair still in place.
Tuesday, 22 March 2011
AWOL
So I haven't updated this in a while.
Short story is that I was busy, the long story is a bit more complicated and not something I want to go into on the internet.
This blog has always been personal, so it follows my mood swings and sometimes I'm just not in the mood to write.
Shit happens shall we say. I've been ridiculously busy with university work and when I haven't I have been trying to work out what I want to do with my life and it hasn't been easy. I'm considering starting up another blog based on something I'm passionate about but I haven't worked out what that'll be yet. Perhaps something political, historical or literary but the exact specifications are unclear as of yet.
Until then, I will give you the link to the blog recording my little social experiment at the moment:
http://carolinejm.livejournal.com/
I gave up alcohol for Lent.
Yes really.
Its 'sort my life out' time.
Short story is that I was busy, the long story is a bit more complicated and not something I want to go into on the internet.
This blog has always been personal, so it follows my mood swings and sometimes I'm just not in the mood to write.
Shit happens shall we say. I've been ridiculously busy with university work and when I haven't I have been trying to work out what I want to do with my life and it hasn't been easy. I'm considering starting up another blog based on something I'm passionate about but I haven't worked out what that'll be yet. Perhaps something political, historical or literary but the exact specifications are unclear as of yet.
Until then, I will give you the link to the blog recording my little social experiment at the moment:
http://carolinejm.livejournal.com/
I gave up alcohol for Lent.
Yes really.
Its 'sort my life out' time.
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